With the Thanksgiving holiday here for those of us that celebrate it, I thought it might be a good idea to go over a list of what NASCAR drivers are most thankful for. And let me tell you, for some of these drivers, there is a LOT they can be thankful for. But, I don’t want to spoil the turkey for you, so lets just roll right into the list, shall we?
Jeff Gordon: For the standing restraining order keeping Steve Latarte a minimum of 50 feet away from his equipment at all times.
Darian Grubb: Thankful for the nice, long, fruitful relationship with his good pal and championship driver, Tony Stewart. Oh wait……
Tony Stewart: For the fact that he was never picked to be one of the Gillette Young Guns, and risk having to shave that amazing five-o’clock shadow. Never change, Tony. Never.
Kyle Busch: That Microsoft Word has an easy to use template feature that he can use for all his apology letters.
Carl Edwards: Thankful that there is “always next year”.
Dale Earnhardt Jr: That his last name is Earnhardt, or he’d have had to get a real job like the rest of us by now.
Michael Waltrip: That there will always be a microphone near by for him to talk non-sensically into at all times next season.
David Reutimann: For never having to act in a stupid Aaron’s commercial again.
Mark Martin: For Michael Waltrip allowing him to ease into retirement these next two years.
Steve Addington: For leaving the Buschs’ and going to a driver who knows how to treat a crew chief in Tony Stewart. Oh, wait, never mind.
Kevin Conway: For self-conscious males always wanting to enhance their image.
Kurt Busch: For that mother f**cking 10 second delay in f**cking broadcasts.
Joe Gibbs: For Carl Edwards not signing, since we’re pretty sure he wouldn’t know what to do with a driver with class. That, and at least he’s not working for Daniel Snyder anymore.
Brian Vickers: For Red Bull Racing providing him with a bumper car for the last four seasons.
David Ragan: For his free time on Sundays next year, so he can go to The Home Depot or Bed, Bath, and Beyond if there’s time.
Paul Menard: That if he does nothing else with his life, he has that Brickyard 400 trophy to point to if anyone questions him buying rides.
Ricky Stenhouse, Jr: Thankful that Jack Roush will surely give him a solid future in racing, just like he did with Danny O’Quinn, Erik Darnell, Todd Kluever, Chuck Hossfeld…..
Derrike Cope: For, after all these years, that he was the lucky son-of-a-gun who happened to be in 2nd going into turn 3 on the last lap of the 1990 Daytona 500, thus ensuring him a lifetime of rides when he surely should have been pumping gas for a 7-11 by now.
Jeremy Mayfield: ……um……that he has his health? We guess? *shrugs*
Rick Hendrick: Thankful that there is another mode of transportation besides airplanes, because thats worked out swimmingly for him thus far.
Jack Roush: For eye patches for his fake eye, so he can yell “ARRRRRRRR!!! I’M A PIRATE!” at random times, and no one will think anything of it.
Robby Gordon: Thankful for someone always finding something new and different to put an engine into, so he always has something new and different to race. Because the other 80,000 things he races just isn’t enough!
Andy Lally: For Kevin Conway setting the Rookie of the Year bar so low, no one really seemed to notice how he stole the award in 2011.
Brad Keselowski: For Carl Edwards not finding a way to succeed in committing vehicular homicide.
Richard Childress: For having Austin Dillon coming through the system, so he will finally have a driver with talent to pair with Kevin Harvick.
Jimmie Johnson: For the most boring paint scheme in history for next season.
Kasey Kahne: For finally having a ride in 2012 with a relevant team, for the first time in his career.
Denny Hamlin: For people remembering that yes, indeed, he did make the Chase in 2011. No, seriously. Look it up. He did. We swear!
Greg Biffle: That, as of yet, not a single driver slated to race in 2012 is as ugly as he is, so at least he has THAT going for him.
Marcos Ambrose: For having the title of “Most Successful NASCAR driver from Australia”, which as we all know, is quite a prestigious award.
Brett Bodine: For NASCAR letting him drive the pacecar, and letting him experience a race at the front of the field for a change.
Dave Blaney: Wait….Dave Blaney still races Sprint Cup? Seriously?? When did that happen??
Michael McDowell: See above.
Joe Nemechek: For proving to the world that you can finish 40th or lower in 95% of the events you enter, and still walk away with a cool $2.9 million. Some states refer to this as “Grand Larceny”, I think.
David Gilliland: For being able to bank an entire NASCAR career on just one notable victory. Because THAT’s never been done before. *stares at Derrike Cope*
Joey Logano: For Kyle Busch as his teammate, because without his shennanigans, we might have noticed that he has done absolutely nothing in Sprint Cup competition.
That about wraps it up, folks. We at Start ‘n’ Park wish you a wonderful, safe Thanksgiving to you and yours. Oh, and be sure to steer clear of the cranberry sauce, that stuff is terrible. Trust us.